Why ME #$@^&$!!!

Everyone in one situation or the other would have certainly thought, "Why Me??? Why is that everyone is so happy and its only me who gets into all the troubles, pains? I am the most neglected child of God... There is nothing called luck in my life"... Even I used to think so...

It came as a shock when my dad died. Through he had suffered a mild heart attack ten years ago, he maintained himself so well that nobody could have figured out his illness. I was quite young then. All of a sudden, I felt as if I have been left out in a lonely dark world. In a place where I will have do everything myself, with extra caution. With nobody to guide. Future seemed gloomy. A tunnel without an end. Though had a good job to support I felt very very insecure. I didn't wanted to cry, as I thought it would break my mother. Then I asked to God one day, "Why me???" I could see many girls happy being in their father's shelter, having to worry about nothing. "Why me then???" Girls who are taken very good care of, with no responsibilities. Then "Why me? Why I was targeted to undergo such misery? Why is that I have do every damn thing?". I felt terrible, left out and lonely. Joined Yoga. Funny, the girl who never used to get up early even for the studies started getting up as early as 5 AM in the morning. Started working like maniac, for 16-18 hours on an average and sometimes even straight 48 hours. Just with one desire to crash on the bed. Strange, sleep was eluding. Most of the times I cried to sleep. Again thinking, "Why me??"

Nature has strange laws. If those were the plight of night, I was a clown during the day time. I laughed, laughed and laughed. Narrating Yoga mates' terrible postures, funny incidents or seeing fun in any damn thing. We laughed till our stomaches ached. During my times with my self, I still continued to think I am the only one under pain. Till one day... Suddenly I wanted to look deeper into everybody around me. To see how protected, well sheltered, how happy people are. But more I saw, I realized, its not only me. A friend struggling to convince her orthodox parents about her love, a friend who is not happy with his job, a friend who has back breaking responsibilities, a friend nursing broken heart, a women recovering from husband's death, a woman facing in-laws wrath, a man suffering because of his just-born's illness, a man undergoing a divorce....

This reminded me of "Law of Equilibrium". Everybody has their own pains, sarrows, challenges at one point or the other. There can never be a single person on earth who might not have any pain during his lifetime. This suddenly changed the way of thinking. From "Why me" to "How lucky I am".... Indeed I was lucky, always. My father died an easy death which anybody would love to have. No suffering even for 5 minutes. Most importantly, he died when he was happy. Happy of himself, for being able to fulfil his dreams, to marry of one daughter and to see other independant, doing very well. He was quite a fighter. Even in the end-of-the-world sort of affairs he kept his calm and faced things head on. When I saw myself next time in mirror, I didn't see a person low with burden but a person with confidence to face everything came by. There I could see self-worth.

It indeed brought in many changes in me. It showed me who are really with you and who are not. It made me strong to keep the wanted and leave the unwanted. Even a certain name sake relations. It made me wise, it made me mature. It made me a human being out of career and success obsessed robot. It made me realise, the first and last love in this world is, "Self Love". One who is happy can keep the world happy. One who is not, sees unhappiness and short comings in everything. It made me realise, life must go one. It stops for none, literally. I love all those who were there with me that time, they are the pillars of my life. I thank all those (without a hint of sarcasm) whom I thought would be present, but weren't. If you were to be there, may be I wouldn't have become so strong.

If I look back, all those incidents which made me mutter "why me?", are the ones which shaped me. I would have been never this way if I were to be taken complete care of, sheltered without any responsibilities. There were several testing times later, but I knew I am shaping up even better. It somehow didn't seem to be so painful as it used to be earlier. Decisions were easy. Its a great feeling to be in control of your own life. Life looks all that beautiful. Thank God!!! For all those circumstances, without them I wouldn't have become "Me". Today if I am happy, peaceful, kind & focused, thats only because of those testing times.

Next time if you have to undergo difficult times, belive me you are shaping up. Belive me you would come out as a person of worth, strong in everyway. You are a beautiful sculpture in the making.

:o)


27 comments:

  1. hey nice one,one among ur best blogs.Shows spirit of "Sotu Geddavaru" . As u said ppl around matter a lot. Good to know about ur supporters too. But I feel "Whenever we fail to achieve no one would come forward to share, but when u achieve some thing, everyone comes forward..." It may not be true with everyone, but in most of the cases....

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  2. Your blog reminds me of this -
    Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983.
    From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed:
    "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?
    To this Arthur Ashe replied: "The world over 5 crore children start playing
    tennis, 50 lakh learn to play tennis, 5 lakh learn professional tennis,
    50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon,
    4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD
    "Why me?".
    And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"

    Anyways, I never knew you write so well. Keep writing dear.

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  3. hi .... Ive been following ur blog for almost an year now ... I love the way u write .... ur blogs r simple , funny sometimes , thought provoking most of the times ..... Im always excited to see a new post in ur blog ,,,, continue wid the gud work
    cheers ......

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  4. I just feel that this must be a tough one for you to write.. I would just want to say.. keep up the spirits.. and have fun..

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  5. Akashata -- You inspired me now all over again. Last week (27th Jan) my beloved grand pa passed away :-(. I am yet to come out of it. It was unexpected and he was keeping good health. He passed away in sleep due to massive heart attack.

    Now when i read what you have put down. I am trying to console myself thinking he has lead a successfull and very happy life of 87 years seeing most of his grandchildren doing good.

    I am happy that till the last day of his life we have spoken atlest one hour a day on Gtalk where ever on earth I am.

    Thanks for this blog. I will start putting together myself back again.

    Life is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. All of us get fellow passengers to make the trip a memorable one, and all of them will say good bye on reaching their destinations :-(


    Take Care girl.

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  6. @Shrikant,
    Thanks a lot :o) You know, you need people in both the cases. When you fail you need because you don't break. You need people when achieve to share the sweet success. The people who were there in your thick and thin are the real ones you should treasure, others are just spring friends....

    @Zigzag,
    Thats was very inspiring zigzag, thanks. Hmmm, looks like you are someone I know? :)

    @Sandeep,
    Thanks a lot sandeep. Nice words always encourages you know. Feeling nice :) :) :)

    @Rambler,
    Yes, indeed. It was in drafts for many months and in trash for several other. I had dropped the idea of writing. But whenever I hear somebody, "--- happened, I don't want to live" I feel terrible. I see that self love element missing. What I can't tell people by speaking, I am trying to convey through blog. If it raises a spirit of even a single individual I would feel gratified.

    @Madhava,
    I am so sorry kano. Are you ok? :( Did you notice, your grand pa died without much pain and suffering. At the age you mentioned I have seen people suffering like hell. Birth and death are inevitable. Such an easy death is only for a few fortunate souls. Your grand pa was one among them. Please don't feel sad, instead do all that would have made your grand pa a proud man. I liked your idea of car driving. So true. God bless dear, hope you feel ok soon and get back to life with added spirits. Take care.

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  7. This was a very lucid post.. and shows a maturity beyond years! You are right.. life gives us some blowing setbacks at times.. and these only make us stronger as a person and teach us endurance and gives us the will to move on.. Every experience bitter or sweet, helps us become the person we are..
    Very nicely written post.

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  8. We finally take some time to find out god treats all his children equally. Sorry to hear about your dad, but gues what he must be terribly happy to see the person you are today. Attitude is all that matters, keep it going...

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  9. "uLi etininda taane kallu shilpa aagodu".

    It is nice to know that your thinking now changed to "How Lucky I am".
    From my side, a big thank you to all your friends who were with you during that tough time.

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  10. Hei Sis, I understand the pain.
    i feel sorry 2 say anytin n tis comment ...
    but u really made others leave tears and luv 4 each and every word in tht.
    And particulrly u gave all a big lesson in the life.
    only d difficulties & testing times vil mould & shape u 2 become stron enuf 2 face tis wrld.
    nd am happy tat u got away frm tis and became a matured & stron girl.
    Your dad still lives...
    Keep him alive in this incarnation.. Good luck my dear Sis.
    live ur life to the full dear... dfn tats wot ur dad wud ve wanted

    ( --> U knw very well abt sad moments(Behind d Scenes) of my life.But am still happy & goin fwd 2 make the life & time 2 kneel down n front of me vyth my smile. <-- )

    "In the Matters Of Style,
    Swim with the Current;
    In the Matters of Principle,
    Stand Like A Rock "

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  11. Akshatha,
    Initially when I read this, I didnt know how to react!
    It reminded me of the days when I was pretty young and my father suddenly fell ill... all our lives have turned upside down in a week's time.... Each day I thought - "Why me?" But, at the same time I thanked God each day that my Dad is with us, though ill. Though he couldnt do much, its a great thing to have him around. Even today when he cant do things by himself, i feel, why me! but at the same time I thank God that he gave my dad all strength that he needs to cope with his illness!

    Just to see him happy, I studied really hard and secured a very good rank in my engineering entrance.
    It was during that time that I have got a clear vision of what I need to do. I've learned to Live!

    And I have to say its a great Blog! Keep writing dear!

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  12. hey....bingo! i usd to feel d same...."why me?" but ive seen livez, in depth who experience the bitter mozt. "why me?" is shape'n me, make'n me stronger....get'n me seasond. evn now....i do feel thiz "own curse" of "why me?", but see'n yur blog, itz filled more life in me(not exaggerat'n!). ive startd to thank THEE for wht he'z bestowd, hiz bliss on me & keep hopez alive fr thingz ain't come'n ma way. i wantd to write on thiz, but failed put'n wordz togethr. yur blogz are not juzt articlez....thy fill void livez wid zest & poise. keep blog'n!

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  13. Hey AK ,
    Well written . Yup such events are a test of our strength. Keep blogging & Well Written

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  14. A wonderful post. True and touching. Will keep visiting. :-)

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  15. @Preethi,
    Very well said. Thank you :o)

    @Sumana,
    Thanks for your kind words :o) I hope the same too :o)

    @Raji,
    Surely I will tell them :o)

    @Prabhu,
    Thanks Bro. Your words really mean a lot to me. Yes, my dad still lives. Even when I get dreams of recent happenings, I dream as if I am discussing with him. When I wake up, I feel strange!!!

    @Subha,
    Your father must be really happy and proud to see what you are today. Its this attitude which matters a lot. You are a fighter :o)

    @Sachin,
    Thanks a lot Sachin. Though you said you couldn't express yourself, your feeling reached me and I understand!!! Thanks for such nice words :o)

    @Reva,
    Thanks dear :o)

    @Akhila,
    Thanks for visiting my blog. See you soon :o)

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  16. Very Touchy! The first and last love in this world is, "Self Love", will go in as important lesson learnt.

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  17. i've read ur blog quite a lotta times. but never commented on'em. but this 1 was jus like-- bull's eye into my heart. felt awesome readin it.super. hope wt u've written works in my case.

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  18. This is really inspiring for people like me who keep questioning the GOD, "'why me?".

    Prescription for good times- read this atleast once daily

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  19. @Raj,
    Thank you :)

    @Damn,
    Thanks for visiting my blog and bad for not commenting :P I am 100% sure it will work for you too :) Just a bit of tolerance :)

    @BP,
    Thanks BP. Visiting m blog after a long time!!! Hope everything is well :)

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  20. Simply Awesome !!!!
    I just love the way you kept the things ...
    This is for the first time i read your blog... its such an inspiring blog can change the life of anyone ..

    Akashata :- Please Keep writing such a nice blogs...

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  21. Thanks for visiting my blog Atul. Even I am missing my blog very much and craving to write. Currently away from Bangalore for work and will start again, the moment I come back.

    Thanks for the encouragement.

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  22. Today i visited your blog for the first time . read "why me ?" and "Age vs Maturity " .
    "why me ?" is very inspiring and can guide many towards happiness ..


    "Age vs Maturity " is very true in today's world .. that both younger and elder need to understand ...very well said .

    Keep up the good work ..

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  23. Hey jags, Thanks a lot for visiting my blog :) I am glad you liked the posts :) Keep visiting :)

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  24. Hello There!

    Came across your blog accidently. God! You have heart. The reading was moving. May be because, I idetify my losses with it. But, I could not have written it so well.

    Keep moving.

    Satya

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  25. Hi Satya,

    Thanks for stopping by. I pray God to give you all the strength to face the losses head on and give you double happiness to compensate, Keep Smiling :D God Bless.

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  26. Hi Akshata.
    I am a new comer to blog world. When I was searching different blogs to improve my blogging skills, I happened to go through your posting why me. Though the incidences you have narrated are taking places in every bodies life in one form or other , now or latter but you have penned it in such a way it is really heart touching. I have also asked the same question to God 25 years back Why us and still I am asking it .
    Keep writing.
    God bless You

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  27. It is one of the best blogs I have ever read....

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